Friday, August 27, 2010

the future, predictions, predictability

I posted about being worried because of being denied disability insurance.  But for the moment, I feel pretty good.  As M told me the other day, she's glad I'm as good as I am.  I am sure not going to run any marathons, and some days I limp and hobble along, but that is the bad knees, not the MS.  In some ways, the whole MS thing hasn't really hit home.  Sure I saw the little white lesions on my brain MRI.  Sure, I have had issues with numbness in my feet and legs, some of which will flair back up, I sometimes feel like I walk on a pair of balled up socks under the ball of my feet.  But is it really real? 
I believe that I still have a long productive road ahead, of work, life, etc.  There are a lot things I haven't done yet that I want to do.  So, I am stubborn enough, determined enough, to want to do them.  Right now, M & I are working towards getting healthier, eating better, getting more physically fit, losing some of the excess weight we have both put on over the past few years.  I get frustrated with things that seem to keep jumping in as road blocks - things like breaking my ankle, finding out I have MS, etc. But I'm no quitter.
I have had to learn to reinvent myself several times in my life.  M likes to say I grew up in "leave it to beaver's" household.  In some ways I did.  When I was small both my parents worked, but my mother quit her job and took care of me and the house and my brother by around the time I started school.  My parents were married more than 52 yrs when my dad died.  So yeah, I was fortunate. 
It didn't stop me from wanting to get out and on my own as soon as I could.  I couldn't wait to leave home, to leave the small town and everything behind.  I dropped out of college to get married at 18. I followed my husband overseas where my daughter was born.  We had a very rocky relationship.  Abusive.  I thought many times about leaving and heading back home, but I was too proud.  So I stuck it out.  While overseas, I managed to snag a good job with good pay, as a graphic designer I liked what I was doing. Then I found out I was pregnant.  We came back to the states soon after J was born.  I was trying to figure out if we could make things work.  What the future was going to be.  If I had the guts to leave and strike out on my own again, this time with a baby.  I didn't have to make a choice.  One night the police called to let me know my husband had been picked up.  He was trying to arrange a hit on me for the insurance.  Didn't much care what happened to our daughter, then decided she was worth more to him alive, due to being able to stay in on post housing and out of the barracks. So my choice was made, and I again had to start over. Thankfully my family welcomed me and my daughter til we got back on our feet.  I went back to college and managed to graduate with honors.  I obtained two degrees, one in accounting and the other in computers.  During the final years in college I worked at a local accounting firm, and went there full time and become a CPA after graduation.  I worked hard, raised my daughter and life was good.
After another 7 yrs or so, I guess the 7 yr itch struck, and I also fell for someone who lived 1000 miles away.  I also felt stifled in the small town, in the bible belt where I was raised.  My lifestyle was not that welcomed there.  I met someone online, what started as a friendship, chatting online, exchanging emails and phone calls, and long letters, even trips back and forth across the country turned into a relationship.  So I packed up me & my daughter and we moved.  Once again, my choice in a relationship continued to be lacking, so that didnt last.  M tells me, that it was a necessary step, one that brought me here to meet her.  Perhaps.  I can't argue with that.
M & I have been together almost 10 yrs now. Good years.  When I moved across country 15 yrs ago, I reinvented myself again.  I gave up the accounting which I had come to find tedious and focused on the computers and then branched out into networking and then VOIP.  Most of the time it is work I enjoy.
Whatever happens going forward, I'm not afraid of the future.  It will all end up ok.  I am a believer in good karma if nothing else. 


Diane J Standiford said...

What a life! Reinvent yourself, exactly--I always use those words. It can be done, sometimes needs to be done or MUST be done, AND it can be quite fun! You have TWO degrees? You will be just fine financially. CPA? You can work from home and no worries. Keeping yourself as healthy as you can is the key and you get that. You may be bothered by MS very little. FIFTY PERCENT will never need a wheelchair or ever lose their job. You have really survived a lot.

MS Day Dreamer said...

Thanks Diane, yes, I like to say I have reinvented myself several times in my life. Both careerwise and otherwise. I worked for several years as a graphic designer. Then I went on to go back to college and then became a CPA. I retired from that - my license is not current (expired in 1996) and is from a different state, at this point I don't plan to go back to that. For over 20 yrs now I have worked with computers, servers and networking. I was doing some of that even when I worked as a CPA, supporting the network for our office and some of our clients. I make more $ now than I ever did as a CPA. As you said, I will be fine and most likely will be luckier than most.

Have Myelin? said...

Reinvent myself, yes that is how I would describe my life. Some by choice, but most not. Never thought to put it in those words. Thanks for the perspective.