Procrastination (also known as why it is hard to post to your own blog)

I’d like to go into a little more detail on why I think it is hard to come up with this to post about on this blog.  I started this in order to provide myself a place to vent about a disease that I know next to nothing about, that I’d really like to just whine about (why me?), and my thought was that by having a place to put words down I could process my thoughts and somehow make it all make sense.

I’m finding that no matter how much I process, or how many words are posted, I really don’t think any of it will ever make sense.

I have been taking time reading others blogs.  I’ve found several that I really enjoy.  That in and of itself can take days or hours or weeks of wasted(?) time.  Actually I really don’t think of it as a waste.  I have found several blogs that I really like, I especially like those with a sarcastic wit and/or a wicked sense of humor.  I never have really been able to take the sugary sweet saccharine people with “Miss Suzy Sunshine” type attitudes, so while I’m currently reading anything and everything I can find, those are the ones that I most likely won’t bookmark or return to with any frequency.  It’s one thing to be straightforward and truthful and be “nice” without trying to sugar coat everything.  Lots of time in life there is no silver lining.  And that light at the end of the tunnel – it is probably the freight train to hell barreling its way right toward you.  But that is my pessimistic outlook for you.  I often say I’m an optimist – I’m positive that something will go wrong.

So anyway, there are a handful of blogs that I have found and have spent the past few weeks going back in time to read from the beginning.  I feel like a voyeur.  By reading all these thoughts and comments and responses to comments posted on these people’s blogs, I now feel I have gotten to know them.  They almost feel like “friends” to me.  There are one or two that seem to have the same type sense of humor I do (a little off), there are some that seem genuinely nice.  Several I think I would feel honored to have as a real friend.  I’ve been a member of a couple online communities before, but those are different.  Those, I’ve gotten to know people by posting and reading posts and there has been a two way exchange of thoughts and ideas.  I’ve gotten to know them, while they have also gotten to know me.  Some of those I have later met in real life and are now considered my friends.  This blog thing is totally different.  I have read all these things that now make it seem like I know them.  But these people don’t know me from the man in the moon.  In a way, I almost feel a little like I am an outsider that came to the party late.  Some of the blogs I have enjoyed the most seem to have either started around the same time, and/or the writers have since gotten to know each other, and will comment on each other’s blogs.  Making it part of a community.  A community that I just moved into and don’t know a soul.  Sort of like when I was back in school and had moved to a new town – I always hated trying to make new friends and trying to “fit in.”  That is just part of my introverted personality.  I’m fine once I get to know people.  It is just a matter of trying to figure out how to break the ice and meet them.  I’ve always managed to find friends and have many good ones.  I just have never really fit into any of the clichés and always do better in groups of small numbers or one on one.  I’m not sure that is such a bad thing.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that most of the MS blogs are all being written by bloggers that have a more accelerated form of MS.  That might be an oversimplification, but it seems that a lot of you have either pretty serious health issues, or pretty serious relapses that you deal with.  I don’t know yet at this point what I have.  Since I was just diagnosed, I haven’t had a relapse at this point.  I have some things I think I could point to in the past that might or might not have been caused by MS, but nothing concrete.  The symptoms that led to me going to the Dr’s having the MRI’s and eventually getting the diagnosis started back in July.  Some of them have cleared but I’m definitely not 100%.  I’m not back to normal – what is normal any way?  According to my Neurologist, I am better the beginning of Dec than I was back in September, and better still than I was in October.  So I guess I’m continuing to slowly slowly slowly regenerate those nerves.  So while that is annoying to me, and seems to be a long painful process, I’m not sure it in anyway compares to what some others have dealt with or will deal with.  I read something on someone’s blog back when they were first starting their blog (forgive me as I paraphrase/plagiarize a thought since I can’t possibly remember where I read it) that they were sick and tired of reading about people that didn’t have it as bad as them.  About people that were showing improvement and/or the meds (crabs etc) were working to keep things under control.  Well, I guess we all are looking for someone or something that makes us feel like we aren’t so different ourselves.  It seems to me that most of the blogs are by people that are more like this person than they are like me – I really haven’t read that many (any?) by people that seem to feel that they have things under control, that they are continuing to work.  I guess I want to know that “it’s all going to be ok”  that things don’t have to keep getting worse, and that sometimes things might even get better.  However, I’m not sure that is how things work.

So, anyway… for all of you that I have been reading and lurking on your pages and now feel like I have gotten to know you, thanks for writing.  Thanks for sharing.  Thanks for letting me peak in, even if it is from the outside in through a window.  I never thought I’d be a peeping tom or a voyeur, so I think I’d rather think of myself as just a Lurker.  I will post someday – if I ever feel I have something worthy enough to say.  I doubt any of you are reading this – but if you are, thanks for stopping by.  I welcome any feedback or thoughts whatever they may be.